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18
Nov
by Steve24 Comments »

How to Let Go of Anger

Imagine this scene.  You are about to go to sleep on a Sunday night.  It’s about 10:30 and you have work Monday morning. After brushing your teeth and preparing for bed, you climb under the covers.

That’s when you hear it.  Yelling. Someone’s angry. Really angry.  You can’t hear exactly what they’re saying, so you jump up from bed.

You shut off the lights in the room and peek out from behind the blinds. There, in the middle of the street is a skinny guy flailing his arms, screaming at the top of his lungs.  You can’t quite here what he’s saying, so you quietly slide the window latch over and raise the pane a few inches.  (Don’t laugh, you know you’re nosy enough to do it!)

“We’re not doing this!” He screams. He’s obviously very upset with the other person standing in the street.  ”This isn’t how this relationship is gonna go.  And if you think it is, maybe it is time for a break!”

The body language coming from the object of his rage conveys shock and bewilderment.

“You know what? I don’t know what to do with this,” snaps Bewildered.  ”I’ve never seen you this way.”

“Yeah?  Well maybe it’s high time!” Crazy Man screams.

“I’m done with this conversation,” Bewildered turns to walk away.

“Don’t walk away from me!” Screeches Crazy Man. “This conversation isn’t over.  Sit the f*ck down! This will be over when I tell you it’s over!”

Have you ever been that angry? So angry the hairs on your neck stood up? So angry that you went into “red-eye” mode and it felt like you were out of body, reacting to everything around you?

I am normally the most laid-back guy.  I don’t get too riled up about much of anything.  (That doesn’t mean I’m not stubborn as heck, though).

Up until a couple of years ago, I would have said I couldn’t ever remember a time where I yelled at anyone in anger (beside my little brother and sister when we were growing up).

You may have noticed I said “up until a couple of years ago”.  That’s right…I’m ashamed to admit that “Crazy Man” from our story was me.

Anger consumes us.  Doesn’t it?  We think we are angry at someone or something else, but the fundamental truth is that we are scared.

Several years ago, I suffered the breakup of a close relationship.  The other person moved on. I was devastated. When I say devastated, I mean the depressed, call-your-friends-and-cry-all-night type of devastation.

No matter how much I vented, cried, or tried to purge all the “ick” out of the situation, I couldn’t move on.

I was SO angry! Angry that I had let myself be so vulnerable.  Angry that I couldn’t move on. Angry the other person had. I was consumed by the anger.

This morning, I read this about anger in A Course In Miracles.  I had to share.

The relationship of anger to attack is obvious, but the relationship of anger to fear is not always so apparent. Anger always involves projection of separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one’s own responsibility, rather than being blamed on others. 

How I Let Go of Anger

So how did I move past my anger?

Ultimately, I took responsibility for it. The other person had not quit living. The other person had not lived in hurt for over a year. The other person had not “done” this to me.

As soon as I recognized that I was the one who had created the hurt by projecting that meaning onto the circumstances, I realized that I could choose a different meaning. In that moment, I freed myself.

That doesn’t mean all the emotions were simply resolved. I had spent over a year reinforcing neuropathways of hurt and betrayal in my brain. It took some time to reprogram those, but the venom was gone.

How You Can Let Go of Anger

You can let go of anger too. Follow these steps.

1. You Choose the Meaning – Recognize that you choose what every situation in your life means to you.

2. Take Responsibility for the Projection – Remember that anger is often projected onto someone or something else in order to preserve the ego.

3. Make a Different Choice – You have the power to choose the meaning. You always have. That’s why you’re in pain. So make a choice that serves you better.

Anger always involves projection of separation

Whenever you are faced with anger, look for the fear.  It will always be there.  If you can eliminate the fear, the anger subsides because it has no “host” from which to leech it’s requisite enormous emotional energy.

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This entry was posted on Friday, November 18th, 2011 at 6:00 am and is filed under Facing Fear, Peacefulness, Personal Growth. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  • http://www.adjuvancy.com/wordpress Roy A. Ackerman, Ph.D., E.A.

    Great post, Steven.
    And, the real problem is that every single one of us knows that this is the proper response.  But, when the situation arises, we fail ourselves. 
    We need to practice this when the little things happen- the ones that won’t break our emotional bank.  Oh, I know, you think that response is overkill. And, it is, but it insures that these steps ARE our habits- so they will occur when the bank vault has been blown wide open and we see our trust/love/expectations being carted away by another.  (Actually, they aren’t.  It’s just that the dam holding them all in around is is leaking.  We need to secure the dam- not give the flood more momentum to flow away.)

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      You are right…it’s so easy to fail ourselves when we feel that fear.  I think you’re absolutely right that we have to create habits that serve us better before we’re in the situation that is over our heads.

  • http://growwithstacy.com Stacy

    Hi Steve,

    This is excellent advice! We must be on a similar wavelength, I posted about how to deal with difficult people this week. I can get very frustrated when people are being difficult, and yes I’ve lost it too. But by using the techniques that you described and the ones that I wrote about I’m a much more calm person than I once was. 

    I think that learning to move from places like anger, negativity, depression, etc. we are most able to write effectively about those topics. If someone has never has dealt with anger they really can’t help others deal with it, unless they’ve been trained to do so.

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      I saw your post on difficult people. It is easy to project our own dissatisfaction and frustration onto “difficult” people, isn’t it?  It is a good feeling to have more control, though.  Thanks for contributing your perspective.

  • Mullenann4

    I think the kind of anger you are talking about doesn’t always express itself the same way in women. I was taught not to show anger. That didn’t mean I didn’t have it. I just was not supposed to express it or even own it. I spent a lot of time depressed without knowing why because of that. Then I heard that many women were depressed for the same reason. Now that I am old I realize that the anger was really masking fear. Owning the fear and the anger are two very good ways of getting past them. Thanks for the post.

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      That’s a great perspective, Ann.  Thanks for sharing it.  I hadn’t thought of the differences between men and women because I was just addressing it from a human perspective…but that is a great insight.  

      Like you, I was reared in a house where we didn’t express our anger loudly or aggressively…but when one suppresses fear and anger, it can turn to depression for sure…and that becomes dangerous.

  • Kristen

    I think we have all been there.  Even the most calm and level headed person.  I think some of anger comes from a lack of control or trying to exert control on a situation that is not amenable to being controlled.  I think managing anger is a day by day process.  I am working with my child on trying to cope with anger and frustration, and it is tough…

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      That’s a great point, Kristen.  I think it goes back to my original observation in myself….my anger was really fear when I was able to look underneath the anger.

      In the case of someone who’s trying to exert control on an uncontrollable situation, it is a fear that without control they have lost some part of themselves or that they will be harmed in some regard.

      You are right….managing anger is a day by day process.  It’s really learning the skills to recognize our fear and what it is that we think will happen to us that sparks the anger.  You’re such a great mom for working with your kid to teach these skills even though it is difficult.  Keep up the challenge. You’re the best.

  • Anonymous

    We’ve all had this happen and boy does it hurt! Understanding we decide what the meaning is might be the hardest thing to go through and even harder to accept responsibility :) Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      Hi, Monyelle!  Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and for sharing your insight.  I hope to see you around again soon.  I think you are so right. Realizing that we decide the meaning is really difficult…and taking responsibility for our beliefs is even more challenging.  Thanks for your kind words.  I appreciate you.

  • Danielle McGaw

    Wow Steve!  it takes a lot of guts to share something like this with the world! And I think part of letting go of anger is sharing. When we let go it is much easier to get past the anger and to move on to how we really feel.

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      That’s a good point, Danielle.  Actually, in the situation I shared above, after I had an opportunity to calm down, I actually did share with my partner what was going on  for me after my blow up.  We had a laugh about it.  We reaffirmed the trust in our relationship and actually grew because of it.  Now it’s an inside joke we look back on and give thanks for as our relationship has grown stronger.

  • http://twitter.com/stevetheowl12 Steve Nicholas

    Great post, Steve! I think that something else that we have to remember as that there are times when we think that we are mad about one thing, but arguments get worse because we are really mad at something else, and it gets heated because the real issue isn’t being addressed. It’s always important to remember what we’re really talking about.

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      Great point, Steve.  What I call escalation in an argument can happen really quickly when we feel like we’re not heard or that our opinion doesn’t matter.  At that point it’s easy to through the “kitchen sink” at our spouse or partner.  You are right…it’s so vital to recognize and be honest about what’s really happening.  It drains some of the aggression out of the argument.

  • http://www.seo-writer.ca David Leonhardt

    Anger is not always caused by someone or something, but it is often directed at someone or something.  That does not have to mean we are scared.  It can simply be that we are frustrated.  Or ashamed.  Or that we feel inadequate.  There are many possible causes of feeling angry … and sometimes it really is something that somebody else did.  Whatever the cause, nobody gains by feeling angry, so letting go as soon as possible is the best option.

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      Hi, David.  Thanks for stopping by the blog.  You are right, our anger is never caused by someone or something.  I don’t mean to just play a semantics game here, but recognizing that our anger comes from within us and is projected onto another person or thing is the first step in letting it go.   Appreciate your keen insight and highlighting this important distinction.  You definitely got it.  

  • Anonymous

    Anger is truly one of those emotions that is best handled with a clear mind. I’ve also learned the hard way that feelings should not be expressed while in anger. The outcome usually leads to embarrassment on our part, and the other individual making a call that probably isn’t true about our character. I really appreciate your take on the topic of anger, Steve. You offered some awesome tips and reasons why anger should have no part in our daily lives. That’s not to say that the emotion won’t ever happen, but we will get better outcomes if we approach anger with an open and sound mind. Great share bud! :)

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      You’re right, Deeone, but for me the challenge lies in getting to the clear mind when I”m angry! :)  Appreciate your kind words and comment.  Hope you have a blessed thanksgiving.

  • http://www.getoutofstuck.net Roberta Budvietas

    Wow Steve. One challenge with anger etc is that we take things personally too and we assume that people will behave in a certain way and things will work out the way we expect. But reality is that it does not happen. People get marginalized. They get bullied and they feel powerless and then rage can take over. 
    Your steps are so key to overcoming anger. 
    There is another challenge though - recognizing the difference between anger and passion – loud is not always anger but loud may be that you want to be heard and the other party is not listening or so you think

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      BINGO, Roberta!  You got it!!!  Taking things personally and making assumptions are 2 of the most damaging things we can do in relationship.  Even though I have read don Miguel Ruiz’s “Four Agreements” many times, I still do these 2 things occasionally, and it never serves me.  

      I appreciate your kind words about my post and the steps that have worked for me.  The distinction that you make between being angry and being loud is great! When my brother was first married, he had a disagreement with his wife and she raised her voice.  He was so worried and said they should go to counselling.  She was bewildered.  He thought they had major problems because she was passionate, but in her family, she’d been raised in a vociferous household.  Our household never was loud growing up, so he assumed she was mad when she was just communicating with him.  I’m glad they were able to clear it up, though. :)

  • http://www.2knowmyself.com farouk

    thank you steve for the post
    if we managed to think before we act we can avoid getting angry in many of the situations that manage to make us angry

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      Thank you so much, Farouk.  That is the challenge…thinking before we act.  :)

  • http://www.seasonalcoloranalysis.net Jeanine Byers Hoag

    Awesome post, Steve! The point you make about anger being connected to fear is so important. Probably fear of loss. I can relate to that as a parent, because when I am angry at my son, I am usually also afraid of what his life might be like if the disrespect, poor decision-making, or other forms of misbehavior continue into adulthood.

    • http://www.KarmicKappuccino.com Steve Rice

      Thanks so much, Jeanine. I think fear of loss is a powerful motivator for anger.  I covered this more on the video I attached to the post following this one. It is a real challenge to balance this almost primal instinct with the understanding that there is no real lack in our abundant world.  If I could just get to the place where I live 100% from *that* place! :)